Dear Diary,
I wish that I could
find the easy way to extract whatever in my mind right now without need to
write like this. It’s not that I’m not good with the writing skill, but I just
don’t know how to kick the proper start. Hopeless and lack of courage, beats me
that I’m so true with that around this time. Like cold storage or expired
items, it doesn’t change the fact that was absolutely lying to me. Days and
nights I walk alone but seem I hardly lost in my own path. The mistake is like the
‘best friend forever’ to me. Hanging out with so called mistake and then become
haywires are so obviously me. Frustration, depression and blaming others – that
attitude is good with me too. I always wish that I’m not born like this. Nasty
thought sometimes, how lucky if I’m born onto golden plate! Having wealthy parent, beauty look and
figure, IQ level 130++ and many more great things happen to me. Dream on!
Someday early this
year, I suddenly figure out that how lucky I am despite the negative thinking’s
that I made for the whole previous years. I can’t remember any single scene or
moment, which leads me to change my perspective of life. First things first, I try
to change my lifestyle. I’m never brag that I’m a good person at all this
time because I know myself well more than others. Only Allah knows me better
and how ashamed that I realized many bad things I’ve done and mostly was indeed
sinful. Oh Allah! I really hope that I will have lengthy time to repent and
amend my wrongdoings. At 31st years old, I guess it’s just nice to
get sort of ‘hidayah’ from Al-Mighty. I’m very grateful for the opportunities
and abundant chances that You continuously give it to me. Please forgive me for
the lost and forgotten about being Your obedient slave.
Now I know that the
first move is not always the part of the difficulty ones. Anytime and anywhere,
there will be the right time to be the first move. Actually, the hardest part
is to maintain or ‘istiqamah’. Like what I fill in my new daily routine, after
morning wake up I will perform Tahajud and reciting Quran with Surah Yaseen,
Waqia, Mulk and Talaq. It’s not so easy at the first trial week, but I
determined to just do it, whether sometimes I feel not ready yet, feeling not so
well or funny thing I’m still in sleepy mode.
The second best thing
happens; I blessed to realize how wonderful I am to have my family along this tough
journey. I do love my mum to the core for whatever scarifies and efforts mum
have done. Mum is really amazing super mom. I doubt how she can cope with this
entire burden without throwing any sort of give up. Mum always said even we are
not rich, but not even poor, we still have enough dish on our plate. It’s so
true; mum really expert during bargain and buying the groceries with the
cheapest price. We still can taste big fish or get a variety of vegetables if
100% perfect has not become our target. As long can dig the fresh from the
rubbish to-be, it will be the worth purchase after all.
Our relationship is
quite unique. I prefer long distance from my mum so that I will behave and appreciate
her more. I’m not so kind with my words and sometimes my temper really hurts
others. I wish that I can restrain myself and will put effort to overcome this
bad habit. One day when mum getting older, I wish I can stay by her side and
take a good care. Oh Allah! Please give
us many times to be together. I really hope what I said to mum will really come
true. I will be someone that mum can proud of. I will repay for every kindness
and patience that mum shower to me. It’s not easy for someone to understand me.
But mum has really understood me and that nailed to my heart when I
accidentally saying harsh words or doing something that makes mum cries.
[Will be continued…]
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